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Thread: When parents give away their money too early

  1. #1
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    Default When parents give away their money too early

    Worth reading
    PURPLE SHADES By Letty Jacinto-Lopez

    At their 54th anniversary, my friends made a decision to distribute their combined assets among their living heirs. Their rationale, “Para walang gulo.” (To avoid trouble). They added one proviso: “While still alive, income from these properties will be used to maintain our present lifestyle inclusive of medical expenses, extravagant trips and unlimited shopping.”
    “That’s easy,” replied the heirs. The income was substantial to indulge the old folks with a bonus that the heirs can use in any manner they wanted.
    The first year passed without a hitch, but soon the problem surfaced. Each child used all kinds of tactics to keep the money from his parents. It reached a point where the poor retirees had to beg for sustenance, robbing them of the dignity they worked hard to uphold.
    What went wrong?
    “Bad decision,” said a cautious friend who warned the couple of this scenario. “Children are so unreliable when it comes to inherited money.”

    Money received, which was not expected and not a direct result of something they worked for, is not given the same value as money earned with their own sweat and tears. They lose their sense of propriety; gratitude is tainted by greed and decency gone. This is compounded by in-laws who can tilt or convince their respective spouses to throw out good sense and filial affection like soiled rugs, “Honey, they’re going to die anyway, so why waste good money on them?”
    To avoid falling into this vulnerable, pitiful state, keep these 10 tips in mind:

    1. Do not retire. If you’re over-aged, retire and get all the benefits but find another income-generating job or open a business that will keep you active physically and mentally. Travel and bond with true friends, play a sport, learn a new hobby and volunteer in your community or parish. Don’t loaf around. Your spouse will hate you because you’ve become a sloppy, listless bum with nothing good to say about the household and things that you never bothered about before. Solve crossword puzzles, play Scrabble, write your memoirs, and above all, read — this will keep you alert and keep Alzheimer’s at bay.

    2. Live in your own place to enjoy independence, privacy and a solo life. If you move in with your children, your rank or degree of importance is reduced to that of a bed spacer who has no place of honor or, worse, like crumbling furniture merely displayed with no added value. Might you kowtow to conform to their own rules that are not kind, considerate or mindful of you? If you witness your children engaged in a war of will and wits with your grandchildren, whom will you side with? Will they even appreciate your arbitration? Remind your children that silence is not a sign of weakness; you are merely processing data that is taking longer to complete.

    3. Hold on to your nest egg, bank deposits and assets. If you want to help your children, do give, but not to the extent that you wipe out your life’s earnings, singing heroically “not a shirt on my back nor a penny to my name.” Staying solvent and in the black is a good hedge against all kinds of tempests. You will sleep better, you will not be afraid to express your opinion and you will be confident about yourself.

    4. Don’t believe your children’s promise to care for you when you grow old. Priorities change. Many children are not guilt-ridden or filled with a sense of moral obligation when the wife and offspring take top billing in their lives. There are still children who would consider it a privilege to show compassion, genuine love and deep concern for their parents but be warned that not all children think alike.

    5. Expand your circle of friends to include young ones who will definitely outlive your old BFFs. Keep up with new inventions, trends, music and lifestyle including all the scams and schemes you should guard against. Remember that when you mix with the young, you also open a fresh avenue to channel your thoughts, experiences and values through so that the lessons you learned are not lost, forgotten or buried with you.

    6. Be well groomed and smelling fresh of spring water all the time. There’s nothing more depressing than seeing people exhale when you walk by because you reek of baul (camphor chest) or lupa (dirt). Old age or bust, don’t look and smell like a corpse when you’re not one yet.

    7. Do not meddle in the life of your children. If they ask for your counsel, give it, but be ready to accept that they may not take it. Their situations in life cannot be compared to the situations that you experienced in your life. The playing field has changed and they need to develop their own set of survival skills. If you raised them to be street smart, they can handle themselves in tough situations and be able to read people. Champion and encourage their dreams and desires but on their own terms.

    8. Do not use old age as your shield and justification for turning grumpy. There’s nothing more annoying than an arrogant, old fool. Welcome each day as another chance to be kind and forgiving, to yourself and to others.

    9. Listen to what others may say. Do not throw your weight around just because you are a septuagenarian or a nonagenarian. You are not a depository of knowledge. Even if the roles have been reversed, make growing old a fun-filled, pleasant experience for you and your brood.

    10. Pray always and focus on your eternal life. You will definitely leave everything behind, a final journey detached from burden and care. Be more accepting that, sooner, not later, you will croak. Prepare your swan song with a humble and contrite heart. If you believe in a merciful and loving God, there is no need to strut like a star. Nobody is.

  2. #2
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    I agree that the 'gift' should happen with the last spouse going... If not, jialat... Sometimes circumstances forces people to do 'wierd' things...

    We hope it won't happen but we need to ensure it doesn't- the latter is more important.

    Hahahaha

    Cheers

  3. #3
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    warren buffet never leave a single cent to his children..

    not sure if this is true
    I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” - Robert Frost quotes (American poet, 1874-1963)

  4. #4
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    teddybear is offline Global recession is coming....
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    Not true... He put into a trust, will 90% (not sure the %) to charity. His children take that 10% return a year already can't finish eating for 10 years...

    Quote Originally Posted by roly8
    warren buffet never leave a single cent to his children..

    not sure if this is true

  5. #5
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    Agree that don't expect too much from your son. Keep your wealth until the last day.

    My friend is not in good relationship with her husband so she puts all her energy and effort on her sons. Now her elder son has a girlfriend but she is not happy with it and keeps asking her son to break off with his girlfriend. She said her son never cook for her before and now he cooked for his girlfriend and everyday goes out with the girl and come back so late and occassionaly still go to the girl's house and stay. Her son told her :"Mummy, don't worry, I will still take care of you, but I will not break with her unless she wants to break with me." Then, she told her son to keep 1 room for her if he happens to get a 4 room BTO, she wants to stay with them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by irisng
    Agree that don't expect too much from your son. Keep your wealth until the last day.

    My friend is not in good relationship with her husband so she puts all her energy and effort on her sons. Now her elder son has a girlfriend but she is not happy with it and keeps asking her son to break off with his girlfriend. She said her son never cook for her before and now he cooked for his girlfriend and everyday goes out with the girl and come back so late and occassionaly still go to the girl's house and stay. Her son told her :"Mummy, don't worry, I will still take care of you, but I will not break with her unless she wants to break with me." Then, she told her son to keep 1 room for her if he happens to get a 4 room BTO, she wants to stay with them.
    When everything is well provided for, motivation to work for $ will be lost. Most kids / teens i know that comes from rich families have bad attitude and poor character. Since they're never short of anything in life, these kids get very prideful. Hopefully when we provide so much for our children they can still learn to be humble.

  7. #7
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    Thank you Laguna for this very useful sharing. Will reflect further on this.

    thanks for this useful link:
    http://www.philstar.com/modern-livin...oney-too-early
    Last edited by lifeline; 06-12-12 at 23:12.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by price
    When everything is well provided for, motivation to work for $ will be lost. Most kids / teens i know that comes from rich families have bad attitude and poor character. Since they're never short of anything in life, these kids get very prideful. Hopefully when we provide so much for our children they can still learn to be humble.

    have the same feelings too. working hard to save your first 100k, vs getting it as a handout from your parent... is so so so different

    tenacity and resilience. can only be built with sweat and tears

    even when me and wife pass on, if there is sufficient to pass around, i would structure a trust and give them longer term income, sometihng that will keep them alive but not disincentivise them to work.

    it may be good to "give them a headstart" in life.. but dun forget.. you may be taking good care of your kids, but you are definitely not doing justice for your grandchildren. becoz your kids will not be teaching your grandkids the right values.

    富不過三代

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    Donald Trump says in his book Think Like a Billionaire: Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life,
    "When planning your estate, you have two responsibilities:

    1) Not to burden your children with undeserved wealth that could paralyze them, preventing them from working hard and achieving their own measure of success.

    2) To make a legacy for yourself that revolves around charitable giving."

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shanhz
    have the same feelings too. working hard to save your first 100k, vs getting it as a handout from your parent... is so so so different

    tenacity and resilience. can only be built with sweat and tears

    even when me and wife pass on, if there is sufficient to pass around, i would structure a trust and give them longer term income, sometihng that will keep them alive but not disincentivise them to work.

    it may be good to "give them a headstart" in life.. but dun forget.. you may be taking good care of your kids, but you are definitely not doing justice for your grandchildren. becoz your kids will not be teaching your grandkids the right values.

    富不過三代
    Wow! very true and wise words indeed!
    My parents just gave me an education, which I am grateful. My parents in-laws believed that children are born to serve parents hand and foot.(can't really find such filial children nowadays). Parents gave them life and they have to be thankful and be at parents' beck and call.
    In our younger days, we struggled, scrimped and saved every cent. Dared not disclose our assets and savings for fear that father-in-law would be green with envy. He would often demand extra contributions like paying for his renovations, travels, restaurants etc. There was one incident where he took a 5 figure loan and never repaid. When we asked him for the return, he shouted at us and claimed he had paid back.
    His favourite saying was, "you guys are young and have plenty of time to enjoy yourself. Let your parents enjoy first as their days are numbered."
    With no "handout" and often had to "payout," it helped us to be very responsible and self reliant.
    I think such parents are extinct nowadays but they do bring up good children.
    Those experiences with parents-in-law are painful and it's one of the reasons why I refuse allowances from my working children.
    I don't want money to come between our relationship.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by moneytalk
    Those experiences with parents-in-law are painful and it's one of the reasons why I refuse allowances from my working children.
    I don't want money to come between our relationship.
    allowances are fine as long as they are meant as a token of respect from the kids.

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